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I really feel like I'm forcing myself into social interaction at the moment - on the way to the Once More With Feeling Singalong a friend organised last night, I nearly turned back about three times. I'm glad that I didn't, since I had a good time and it was just what I needed. Still, it was difficult in a way that social situations never used to me, so I'm making myself go out and meet new people.

I've signed up for my first practice with the London Jeerios, the jeerleading squad for the London Rollergirls. In the new year, I want to go to the beginners hip hop class that Irreverent Dance run, and I'm planning on going out with my old walking group again. I also want to start going to the RHPS showings at the Prince Charles cinema in Leicester Square. The last one this year is 1 Nov, so I think I'll start going in the new year. It feels terrifying to even think about 2014 in practical terms, but I think if I have fun planned for next year as well as work, I'll feel happier about it.

I feel pretty dreadful right now - zero self-esteeem and I feel utterly worthless. I'm starting to get the kind of external validation I really need right now again - a new editor has been in touch about some freelance work for a magazine I've really wanted to break into for a while now, and it looks as though I'll have something consistent at another website. It's helping my confidence when it comes to applying for jobs as well - there's only one person who thinks I'm stupid and lazy and not the right kind of intelligent in a world full of people who value me. I just have to hold on to that.

I've booked a few days in Edinburgh between Christmas and New Year - partly for family stuff, but partly because I just want to spend some time in my favourite city again. I really need to move back, but somehow I feel like I should do that when I'm less broken. I want it to get the best of me, not this crappy excuse for a girl.

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Having taken a shockingly long break from my previous LJ/DW in favour of Tumblr and Twitter, I'm feeling the need for a more meaningiful, text-based blog again. So here I am. I'm not locking this yet, but depending on how personal things get, then I might do in future. Right now, it just feels good to have a space to work things out that isn't as stream-of-consciousness as my journal and not as public as anywhere else.

I'm hoping it can also serve as a way of checking that I'm actually on track of everything. So today's to do list involves:
  • Finish the kitchen
  • Do laundry
  • Put away my clothes
  • Make dinner
  • Write up an author interview
  • Apply for at least one job
  • Pull together a spreadsheet outlining my work to-do list for the next month.
My sister just messaged me on Facebook to see if I wanted to come to brunch with her and our cousin D. She's just moved down to London and he moved to Scotland about a year or so ago so it would be lovely to see them if a) I wasn't utterly broke this month and b) I've already told her that Sundays are my writing day - or, more accurately, my 'trying to finish all the shit I didn't do on Saturday because I wasted my time on Tumblr and trying to gather the spoons required to clean the house' day, but I have too much self-preservation to tell her that. The chances of her learning the extent of my fannish involvement now that she's moved down here are pretty high unless I don't introduce her to any of my friends, ever, but I'd like to do that in my time and ideally without using the words 'James Bond', 'chastity device' and 'M' in the same sentence. Which reminds me, I really must finish the second part of that fic...

Thanks to the combination of a crowded platform, a rude, shoving man and the very hard floor at Victoria Station, I currently don't have a working phone, which means that all of my productivity apps that are on there aren't accessible. I hadn't realised how much I'd been relying on the UFYH app to get things done, but the timer on my oven is doing the trick even if that means it will all go out of the window when I actually have to cook something. Still, I'm going to finish off the kitchen now and then reward myself with a ten minute break - or maybe fifteen, since I am shockingly low on spoons this week - reading Val McDermid's Cross and Burn, which is so far everything I want it to be - in other words, everything I wish for the sake of the characters and my pairing, is conspicuously absent. Nothing like having your heart taken out and stomped on severely to give you a good reader experience.

This next week is going to be rough - I'm having a nightmare of a time at work that's threatening to undo all the good work I've done on my mental health this year. The one thing I'm going to do to make it better, even though it's silly and frivolous, is give myself the best damn manicure I've ever had. I'm going to use the O.P.I 'Casino Royale' and layer 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service' over it for pretty sparkly goodness. So at least if my week sucks, then my nails look pretty.

about me

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Tass

October 2013

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